Ayn Rand
Why Conservatives Love Her:
Provides rich dudes with a moral justification for stomping all over the poor. Lets narcissistic toads feel like Supermen while sitting on their ass. Or in the words of Rep. Ryan, “Rand makes the best case for the morality of democratic capitalism.”
What Conservatives Fail to Mention:
She idolized a brutal child murderer, not in spite of his crimes, but because of them. She regarded the serial killer William Hickman as an expression of her idea of the Nietzschean Superman – his inability to comprehend or concern himself with the feelings of other people was, in Rand’s view, a morally superior mindset. As such she was adamantly opposed to charity and social entitlement programs. And despite Ryan’s claim quoted above, she was not a fan of democracy: “Democracy, in short, is a form of collectivism, which denies individual rights: the majority can do whatever it wants with no restrictions. In principle, the democratic government is all-powerful. Democracy is a totalitarian manifestation; it is not a form of freedom.”
So, to summarize: Raping a child, murdering her, and returning her dismembered body to her father is morally superior to giving to charity.
Ronald Reagan
Why Conservatives Love Him:
Lowered the top income tax rate from 50% to 28%. Raised the bottom income tax rate from 11% to 15%. Increased defense spending by 35%. Starred in the 1951 comedy Bedtime for Bonzo.
What Conservatives Fail to Mention:
It’s amusing that conservatives often try to give Reagan credit for resolving the Iran hostage crisis of 1979-81, despite the fact that the hostages were released literally minutes after Reagan’s inauguration. The timing certainly suggests that Iran released the hostages when they did deliberately to embarrass Carter. But it certainly doesn’t suggest that Reagan had time travel abilities. Of course, five years later he got a chance to show how he would respond to an Iranian hostage crisis. And he responded by committing treason and selling arms to an enemy state.
Reagan is also hailed by today’s conservatives as a champion of fiscal responsibility; indeed, he portrayed himself this way. Yet somehow he left the federal government with $2 trillion more debt than he’d begun with. (Current national debt is a bit over $14 trillion, meaning that Reagan is responsible for a healthy 14% of our current debt crisis.) Turns out cutting taxes and raising defense spending doesn’t lead to a balanced budget. Go figure.
There’s a lot that could be said about Reagan, but I’ll conclude with one more. Reagan promised to reduce America’s dependence on foreign oil. Instead, he removed price controls on oil, leading to record low gas prices throughout the 80s and 90s. Perversely, the spike in gas consumption this caused among American citizens ended up massively increasing our dependence on foreign oil. A tariff on oil imports, or a higher direct tax on gasoline, may have remedied this, but Reagan was determined to only increase taxes for poor people, so he refused.
Joseph McCarthy
Why Conservatives Love Him:
McCarthy’s legacy is well-known, and public opinion of him isn’t exactly stellar, but many conservatives come to his defense nonetheless. “But there really were Soviet spies infiltrating America!” they declare. Well duh. Countries send spies to infiltrate other countries as a matter of course. The Soviets weren’t the first people to think of it. That fact doesn’t override our First Amendment freedoms of speech and assembly.
What Conservatives Fail to Mention:
Well, like I said, there’s not a lot about McCarthy that the right wing feels the need to hide. They’re either defending him and holding him up as a defender of American values, or they’re incoherently claiming that he was a liberal. (Conservative pundits appear to have forgotten what “liberal” actually means, so they seem to simply assume that it means “whatever I don’t like.”) What both groups are failing to mention is that McCarthy’s scaremongering is a conservative tactic that’s still in play today, taking a very similar form with different particulars. Whether it’s black people, Communists, or Arabs, conservatives are always going to find some group to try to make people afraid of, in an attempt to deflect their attention from the people they should actually be afraid of (by and large, the wealthy).
Adam Smith
Why Conservatives Love Him:
Wrote The Wealth of Nations, which is like the Bible, in that most conservatives haven’t read it but agree dogmatically with what they think it says. (Supposedly) championed laissez-faire economics. Has an incredibly generic white guy name, which is very comforting to conservatives.
What Conservatives Fail to Mention:
Just for a change of pace, I decided to profile a conservative hero who wasn’t a giant asshole. Funny enough, there’s another thing he wasn’t: conservative. Well, that would be an anachronism anyway. But if Adam Smith showed up in 21st century America and somehow gained citizenship, I assure you he would not be voting Republican.
See, Adam Smith did describe the process by which individual self-interest promotes the public good. And he used the term “invisible hand” at one point to illustrate it. That’s why conservatives love him, and that’s where they generally stop reading. But Smith wasn’t promoting self-interest as a moral good in itself. We’ve seen where that leads (namely, it leads to praising a man for raping a little girl and then dismembering her). He did observe, however, that it’s self-interest that leads people to create goods or services and provide them for sale, and self-interest that leads customers to purchase them. Or, in his words, “It is not from the benevolence of the butcher, the brewer, or the baker, that we expect our dinner, but from their regard to their own interest.”
And thus did capitalism spring fully grown from Zeus’ forehead. Except not really, at least not as we understand capitalism today. See, the scenario he describes above, where everybody is happily producing goods and services for sale, and paying everybody for their goods and services, and no government is involved, only works in the absence of market distortions. Yes, I see you conservatives still nodding along, but not so fast. Government isn’t the only possible market distortion. Smith also said that the public good can be harmed if the market is distorted by… wait for it… businesses. Businesses are going to happen, of course, so Smith favored government regulation of the market to protect the public good against businessmen. What a goddamn socialist, right?
In fact, he described businessmen as “an order of men, whose interest is never exactly the same with that of the public, who have generally an interest to deceive and even to oppress the public, and who accordingly have, upon many occasions, both deceived and oppressed it.”
He was also a fan not only of taxation, but of progressive taxation. In fact, he had a lot of good things to say about it. Such as this: “Every tax, however, is, to the person who pays it, a badge, not of slavery, but of liberty.” And this: “The rich should contribute to the public expense, not only in proportion to their revenue, but something more than in that proportion.”
Oh, and he said this: “Civil government, so far as it is instituted for the security of property, is in reality instituted for the defence of the rich against the poor, or of those who have some property against those who have none at all.”
Wow, I must have mistakenly quoted Karl Marx! No, false alarm. It’s Adam Smith. Stop co-opting him, libertarians and free-market conservatives. He wouldn’t like you.
Phyllis Schlafly